At the beginning of this year, I set a goal to redo my primary bathroom—a project I’ve wanted to do since I moved into my house several years ago. I’m an impulsive guy, so within days, I decided to proceed with all of it.

I spent countless hours researching traditional, transitional, and contemporary design styles. I made a Pinterest board and started to delve into the aesthetics that I appreciate the most. This was an intense, round-the-clock process. I spent every available minute of my day researching design and eventually designers here in Atlanta.

Architectural Digest became one of my morning reads. Anthropic seemed to be constantly rate-limiting me because of my hours-long conversations with Claude about design. Eventually, after researching renovations (which my redesign quickly turned into), I stopped dead and said, “Whoah, I’m really getting into something here.”

Wait. Am I manic?

I’m proud to say that I haven’t had a manic or depressive episode in… as long as I can remember. About 6 years ago or so, I began group dialectical behavioral therapy and intense individual psychotherapy and had my medication modified after my diagnosis of bipolar disorder was finally solidified. All of that in combination with some significant changes in my lifestyle have led to remission of all of my symptoms. Sometimes, this feels miraculous, but most of the time it feels like I’m walking on a tightrope—constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When is everything going to go to shit? You know?

For me, anxiety around feelings is pretty standard. I didn't understand my feelings for most of my youth and young adult life. They were just Big, Overwhelming things that happened to me, and I reacted impulsively or, most of the time, compulsively with maladaptive behavior.

When I get as excited as I am about my bathroom renovation, I can’t help but wonder if this is mania. This excitement and obsession are not unlike some of my past experiences, and they trigger the echo effect pretty hard. However, there’s a big difference between mania and excitement. I’m not having difficulty sleeping, and I’m not launching into this without careful financial planning. And I’m not generally freaking out all the time.

I’m so, so tired.

I recently wrote about my current daily schedule. I usually get up at 4:30 a.m. and go to bed between 9 and 9:30 p.m. This past Sunday, I slept about nine or ten hours and spent another six hours just lying in bed. I seriously considered the idea that this was a hypomanic crash.

In the past, after manic episodes, I would get to a point where I’d be unable to do anything. I’d lack the motivation to do even the most basic self-care things like brushing my teeth or showering. These were followed by major depressive episodes that could last days or weeks—if not longer. The thing is, this time… I wasn’t depressed. I could get out of bed and do some of my daily routine. I managed to get out of the house to run some errands. I otherwise spent the day not working and watching TV.

But you see, I’d be running at full sprint for weeks. It’s reasonable that I was eventually overwhelmingly dog tired. Unsurprisingly, I got a healthy night’s sleep after deciding to not go to the gym in the morning and shutting off my alarm. And I recovered the next day. I’m happy to say that I’m back at full tilt, and I look forward to the next Sunday I give myself into the cloudy soft bed I have.

Actually, I’m great.

Stability is excellent, but it still doesn’t feel normal. Even in the face of uncertainty and relative instability in the world around me, I can confidently navigate the whole world of emotions that I’ve learned to identify these past years. Honestly, this in itself is anxiety-inducing.

Because stability, real stability, isn’t the absence of feelings—it’s understanding them. It’s knowing that I can be exhausted without spiraling and excited without losing control. It’s recognizing that questioning my emotions isn’t a sign of instability, it’s proof of how far I’ve come. Sometimes being great is as simple as that.

So yeah, I’m super stoked about redoing my bathroom. Work is exciting, and I’m motivated to go the extra mile. I’m seeing gains at the gym, which makes getting up in the morning a little easier. And all of this is okay.